Selfless, Intentional Love Teaches Me to ‘Abstain from Taking What Is not Given’

Selfless, Intentional Love Teaches Me to ‘Abstain from Taking What Is not Given’

Commentary by Tracy Simmons

Last year my partner and I bought a house together and for the past nine months have been crossing DIY improvement projects off our list.

It’s not easy replacing ceiling fans and updating light fixtures while also working two jobs, but it’s satisfying making this into our home.

Most recently we hauled two tons of pea gravel down the steep hill of our backyard to create a firepit that we hope to soon be relaxing around.

Doing these projects together is helping us grow as a couple, and I’m grateful, but there’s one task that puts me in a bad mood without fail — painting.

I’d rather get a root canal.

It’s messy and hurts my hands.

Yet here we are, painting the entire basement.

Second Buddhist Precept about not Stealing, but also How to Give

This leads me to the second of the precepts I’ve been writing about: abstaining from taking what is not given.

At first I thought this was about stealing, which seemed simple enough. But as I studied it more, I realized it is also about giving.

Naturally, I thought about my relationship.

This precept is about giving my fiancée my affection, and receiving hers. It’s about putting my phone away and closing my laptop when she tells me about her day, so I’m fully present. And it’s about sharing tasks — even painting. 

It’s about giving of myself.

I want my love for her to be selfless, and sometimes that takes practice, intention.

An Example

This past week was especially busy as I had three looming deadlines and a presentation to prepare for. I could have locked myself in the office and worked for days, leaving my partner to tackle alone the projects we had agreed upon. I would have gotten out of having to paint and been able to focus on work! But that would have been putting myself first. Instead, I made time everyday to turn on the music, pick up the paint roller and work alongside her, even if it was just for a couple hours.

And in those couple of hours I went from being grouchy to laughing with my love.

I will likely have to go through this attitude adjustment with every painting project we have, but it’s an opportunity to practice the second precept. 

Words of Wisdom

I’m learning to be open-hearted and mindful of the needs not just of my partner, but of my friends, co-workers and even strangers. 

Everything from giving or ourselves, to not stealing, is, in Thich Nhat Hanh’s words, “..training in the practice of non-greed for the good of one’s character and for the happiness of oneself and others.”

Hanh, whose writings you’ve probably noticed I refer to often, also said, “If all we do is practice the second precept, we are decreasing self-aggrandizement, increasing generosity, increasing mindful awareness of our greed, grasping, and self-justification, and increasing awareness of how we depend on and influence the interconnected web of existence.”

To me, this seamlessly connects to the first precept: abstain from taking life, which is about practicing non violence. 

I got some pushback from readers on my last column about being a vegetarian. My diet is how I choose to practice non violence in a practical, daily way. However, there are dozens of ways we can cultivate compassion in our lives. The beauty of these precepts is that we can read and meditate on them and then practice them however we choose to, or not.

I adopted these precepts simply because I wanted to. I appreciate the framework it provides me as I go about this bustling life.

Next month I’ll address the third precept, which is to refrain from sexual misconduct.

“Why I Am a Buddhist” introduces this series by Tracy Simmons. She writes about the first Buddhist precept in “Why the Buddhist Precept ‘Abstaining from Taking Life’ Resonates with Me.”