This past December, I got a tattoo on my wrist that says, in my handwriting, I am enough.

Society and life circumstances have told us over and over that, no matter how hard we try, no matter how much money we spend, that it’s simply not true, we’re not enough.

Searching for enough

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This past December, I got a tattoo on my wrist that says, in my handwriting, I am enough.

Society and life circumstances have told us over and over that, no matter how hard we try, no matter how much money we spend, that it’s simply not true, we’re not enough. Not pretty enough. Not thin enough. Not feminine enough. Not reserved enough. Not Christian enough.

At the age of 17 I was invited to a meeting with my church’s youth pastors where I was informed I would not be allowed to attend the youth group’s annual missions trip — a trip I had raised money to attend the previous year. I had been dealing with depression and self-harm, and instead of embracing me and seeking to understand why I was choosing self-destructive actions to cope with what was happening in my life at the time, the church decided I was too much of a liability. My body is a temple, and I was destroying it. I was no longer welcome. I wasn’t good enough.

Instead of showing me grace and compassion, I was shown the door.

Fourteen years later, I’m still searching for “enough.” I’ve found a church that welcomes me as I am — scars and all — but the hurt from my past is a roadblock to becoming fully involved. I’m always anticipating the day when I’ll be told I’m no longer welcome because I’m not _________ enough.

My journey to find “enough” has been difficult thus far, and there’s no clear end in sight, but every time I look at my tattoo — every day that I think, “Maybe I am okay” — I’m brought one step closer to finding whatever it is I’m looking for. One step closer to “enough.”

Megan Cuilla

About Megan Cuilla

Megan Cuilla is a self-proclaimed seeker who regularly asks the questions, “Who am I?” and, “Where do I belong?” She is currently exploring the reconciliation of her feminist beliefs with what she considers a complicated relationship with her body.

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6 comments

  1. You are so enough! The sacred is alive and well within and through you, and I’m grateful OUR paths crossed! May your journey be rich and full of all that makes you dance (moves like Jagger?) and sing! Thanks for sharing this experience …

  2. Thank you for sharing this experience. I can relate. I battle with depression and trying to tell myself that I am enough, though there are days when it’s so hard. But one thing is that you are enough. I have also learned is that there are people who care about you and that love you.

  3. Moved to tears. I admire you for putting yourself out there and sharing your story so authentically. You have something to say and it matters greatly to those who read it. Thank you!

  4. Thanks for saying out loud what we all struggle with.

  5. I love the idea of your tattoo that is always with you to remind you of its message. Even individuals society deems highly successful and accomplished will always find someone else who they feel is ‘more perfect’ than them. It is a great revelation to discover we are unique, no one else exists like us, with all our bumps and faults.

    Life is difficult and often confusing but it is also amazing. There is so much to experience , good and bad. Where we are proud and independent but accepting of some things we can not change.
    You have great courage Megan to post your thoughts so others can read and appreciate. Thank you as they will also be an encouragement and express what others may be feeling too.

  6. You are enough. Read the daily devotional for June 13, 2013 at dailydevotional@ucc.org
    Blessings to you.

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