By Christi Ortiz
How silly my early prayer was Thinking I needed to somehow reach a God that was out there... Thinking I needed to concentrate on my breath or still a mind who’s nature is to think... Thinking I needed to do something right to make something ‘happen’ I did not know the Stillness was already there Like a deep underground river of prayer always flowing even without my awareness I did not know there was nothing I needed to ‘do’ Nothing needed to happen or not happen, I could just be, just sink into and rest in the Silence Prayer was inviting me to a deep surrender A letting go into the Divine, without effort or understanding Such ease was possible where my effort lay, The fear I couldn’t do it right, that it wasn’t for me...so silly, For it is my very nature A deep Presence within that I could never extinguish nor evade Hiding in plain sight this God I thought I had to seek Making prayer so complicated or mysterious or only a gift for the elite... so silly, when it’s nature is so abundant, so gracious, so generous perhaps it was my great desire that made me fear it so or doubt my own ‘ability’ when all I needed to do was show up! It already lived in me It didn’t matter what bubbled on the surface, Distraction, boredom, doubt, confusion, delight, all manner of passing clouds will float across the sky, it matters not the weather for the day, for no matter what, the spacious open sky holds it all And if I let them go by, I realize I am not the clouds, I am the sky
Christi Ortiz is a licensed marriage and family therapist by profession and a poet by passion. She enjoys trying to put to words to that which is wordless and give voice to the dynamic and wild spiritual journey called life. She lives in Spokane with her husband and two children, Emmanuel and Grace. She loves the outdoors and meditating in the early mornings which gives rise to her poetry.