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HomeCommentaryCoping with the death of a parent I hardly knew

Coping with the death of a parent I hardly knew

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Ronnie Simmons, 2008
Ronnie Simmons, 2008

They say our loved ones live on in our memories.

Or in the words of poet Thomas Campbell, “To live in hearts we leave behind. Is not to die.”

When grief wraps its spindly fingers around our hearts, we overcome by turning to recollections of our time together.

What do you do, though, when the pool of memories is slight, and the pool of disappointments runneth over?

When my dad died Tuesday at 2:44 p.m. Texas time, so did the fantasies I’ve been clutching for three decades.

It doesn’t feel like I lost a parent, it feels like I lost someone I’ve been longing to know — someone who looks just like me.

I’ve met my dad five times — six if you count our first reunion when I was 6 years old.

When I look back on those encounters, it’s not bliss that overwhelms me.

Nervous excitement ran through my veins the first time I met him when I was a little girl. It was at a gas station in Albuquerque. He bent down and gave me a hug. I remember his boots and jeans and jacket, but not his face. I remember the tears that followed after about two weeks, when he disappeared once again.

Anger seized me 13 years later when I saw his deep blue, discomforted eyes at an airport outside of Marshall, Texas. Sadness and frustration enveloped me when I said goodbye — sadness, because I wasn’t sure if I’d see this man again; and frustration because our time together had washed away the ire I wanted so badly to cling to.

Thus was the circle of emotions that came with each visit. It was a grueling vortex of sentiments — one I don’t particularly want to turn to in this time of grief.

For me my dad won’t live on through joyful memories, but through regret. I regret not knowing each other better, not having a seventh, eighth, ninth, 10th visit; but I also know I did my best. And, somehow, I can also sense his remorse. I saw it in his eyes. I heard it in his jokes. And more recently, I read it in the comments he left on my Facebook page.

Some, in efforts to console me, have said he’s watching me from above now. I wish I could believe that, but why would he start guarding me now?

No, I won’t find comfort in memories or thoughts of his watchful spirit. True relief lays in forgiveness. His abandonment will always sting. But I feel no resentment, no fury. I’m thankful to have met him, and by meeting him to have met my two half sisters. I’m thankful they were kind enough to hold the phone up to his ear for me in his final hours, so I could finally say, I love you.

Tracy Simmons
Tracy Simmons
Tracy Simmons is an award-winning journalist specializing in religion reporting and digital entrepreneurship. In her approximate 20 years on the religion beat, Simmons has tucked a notepad in her pocket and found some of her favorite stories aboard cargo ships in New Jersey, on a police chase in Albuquerque, in dusty Texas church bell towers, on the streets of New York and in tent cities in Haiti. Simmons has worked as a multimedia journalist for newspapers across New Mexico, Texas, Connecticut and Washington. She is the executive director of FāVS.News, a digital journalism start-up covering religion news and commentary in Spokane, Washington. She also writes for The Spokesman-Review and national publications. She is a Scholarly Assistant Professor of Journalism at Washington State University.

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Sam Fletcher
Sam Fletcher
11 years ago

Tracy, thank you so much for sharing the gift of these words. My thoughts and prayers are with you. It was really helpful and meaningful to read this as I am struggling with my own father’s shortcomings. Please let me know if I can do anything for you in this time. Much, much love — Sam

Andy
Andy
11 years ago

ouch…this hurts, even as it shows healing.

Lindsey Treffry
Lindsey Treffry
11 years ago

Very brave and well written. Thanks for sharing!

Amy  Rice
Amy Rice
11 years ago

Tracy,

I’m sorry for your loss, even if it was a complicated type of loss. Thank you for sharing. You will be in my prayers.

Kurt Bubna
Kurt Bubna
11 years ago

Well said, Tracy, “True relief lays in forgiveness.” Thank you for sharing so honestly.

Sicco Rood
Sicco Rood
11 years ago

Thoughts are with you during this difficult time, will keep you and your father in awareness during meditation. Glad to hear you were able to connect in those last precious hours.

Anna
Anna
11 years ago

Tracy,
I’m so sorry for your loss. It sounds like you have already gone through a grieving process to get to where you are now – and you may not feel ready for another healing process…

Many blessings to you in your bereavement. <3 anna

Tracy Simmons
Tracy Simmons
11 years ago

Thanks everyone

Diane Kipp
Diane Kipp
11 years ago

Very wise words regarding forgiveness, Tracy.

Erir Blauer
Erir Blauer
11 years ago

Deep and hallowed words when written from the soul, thank you for sharing your pain and wisdom. I am in the midst of losing my own mother to returning cancer. I too share a toubled past with my parent. These moments provoke and provide light and the challenge is figuring out what to do with what you see. I appreciate the light in your darkness, it helps to see others stumbling forward too.

Martin Elfert
Martin Elfert
11 years ago

This is really beautiful, Tracy. Thank you for your wisdom. And thank you for risking vulnerability in sharing this with us. Sending big love to you, Tracy – and to your Dad, as he journeys back home.

Tiffany McCallen
Tiffany McCallen
11 years ago

Beautiful. Thinking of you…

Amanda Greene
Amanda Greene
11 years ago

This is so beautiful, Tracy. I’m still sniffling as I write this. As a writer, you did the smart thing, pouring your thoughts and feelings and longing into this piece! But if you need some time to breathe through this, you know we’re all here for you.

David Yonke
David Yonke
11 years ago

Tracy, thanks for sharing this, you did a wonderful job expressing some powerful thoughts and feelings. We don’t have all the answers but it helps to know the questions. Best wishes as you process and resolve these complex emotions.

Lace Williams-Tinajero
Lace Williams-Tinajero
11 years ago

Hi Tracy. Your sharing is a balm. I’ve often wondered if some things in life cannot be captured precisely with words, like the emotion that comes in losing a parent (especially over and over), so thank you for showing the power of words to do just that in what you’ve expressed here.

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