Who listens to your story of life and change? Who reflects it back to you with compassion and respect? Do you listen to the stories of friends, colleagues, clients, students, or community members? Do you feel understood and appreciated?
“What do you appreciate most about what it might take to live with the story that is being told and in the context in which it has been lived?” This last question comes from an article by Sarah Walther and Hugh Fox, “Narrative Therapy and Outsider Witness Practice: Teachers as a Community of Acknowledgement.”
Commenting on the needs of children to find meaning in their illnesses, K. Moore, et al said, “In pediatric settings, parents and children often seek spiritual and religious support from their healthcare provider, as they try to find meaning in their illness. Narrative practices, such as definitional ceremonies, can provide a unique framework for psychologists to explore children’s spirituality and its role in the midst of illness.” In the Journal of Health Psychology, Moore looked at literature on children’s spirituality, including literature on childhood cancer patients’ spirituality, as well as explaining the importance of whole-person care for diverse pediatric patients, and definitional ceremonies (specifically organized listening session) as a way to help children find meaning in the changes that occur with a significant illness.
Who are you when your job changes? Does some new facet of your personality come out when you move to a new city? Does how you feel about yourself and who you are in the world change with a serious illness or tragic accident?
Some of us are lucky enough to have good friends and family members who listen to us and really see who we are or are trying to be in the world. They reflect back all the positive things about us, the things we can feel good about and harness to create meaning in our lives. They see us in ways that help us figure out who we are, what we need and what we can create in the community. Some of us need to purposefully create situations where someone listens to us with love and compassion as we figure out how a significant change in our life has changed us and how we think of ourselves.
Who listens to you? Who do you listen to?
Walther and Fox provided an insider guide for outsider witnesses (listeners to the stories).
Do:
- Listen for the expression both of the storyteller and your own response to the story;
- Notice what pictures come to mind;
- Acknowledge what matters to the person;
- Keep the conversation centered on the person who is the subject of the process.
Avoid:
- Applause or positive reinforcement (judgments);
- Giving opinions/advice/hypothesizing;
- Monologues;
- Imposing values;
- Sharing how you solved it;
- Processing your own issues.
Today, consider ways to improve your listening skills and learn something new about yourself or someone else.
