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Father Knows Best: Paul’s idea of marriage creeps me out

Hey Rev!

As a single man and non-practicing Christian I had real trouble accepting Paul's advice to husbands and wives. I said as much to the priest that presided over our wedding, because I did not want anything by Paul read during the ceremony. The priest agreed but he did encourage me to go back and reread that passage (Ephesians 5) as I grew both in my marriage and in my faith (I returned to the church around the time I met my wife). So, yes, as a married man and practicing Christian I sense something profound, when Paul writes that the relationship of the husband to the wife is as the relationship of Christ to the church, but I still get creeped out when he says "just as the church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to their husbands in everything." What is your take on this passage? And more importantly, what does your wife think of it?

- Confused about Paul

Dear Confused:

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Credit: by UnlockingTheBible/Flickr

Scholarly consensus is that Ephesians was not written by the historical Paul of Tarsus. Rather, like the students of a master painter who sign their own works with the master’s name, most scholars figure that a subsequent individual or community wrote this Epistle and then attached Paul’s name to it. (Similarly, most New Testament experts agree that the infamous prohibition on women speaking in church in 1 Corinthians 14:34 is a later, non-Pauline addition.) This makes a seductive argument available to us regarding Paul: he didn’t write that sexist stuff, so put your mind at rest!

Appealing as it is, that line of reasoning has always felt like a cop-out to me. That’s because it has no fewer than two significant problems. First, while it helps us to feel good about Paul of Tarsus, it does nothing to help us feel good about scripture: whether we like it or not, the Christian movement has included all of the letters attributed to Paul in the Bible and, thereby, identified them as holy texts. Similarly, the “that wasn’t really Paul” argument is of no assistance whatsoever when we encounter other passages in the Bible which may be read as condoning or even celebrating misogyny (see, for instance, the stories which Phyllis Trible unforgettably named the “Texts of Terror”). Second, as you observe, CAP, there is often beauty and wisdom even in the creepiest parts of the Bible. Ephesians’ analogy between husband and wife and Christ and Church genuinely is inspiring.

These two problems put together tell us that, if we are going to take the faith which our ancestors preserved for us via scripture seriously, then we need to do better than writing off Ephesians as counterfeit. We need to wrestle with the Bible in its messy entirety.

My thinking around this act of holy wrestling has been profoundly influenced by Sandra Schneiders’ classic book, “The Revelatory Text.” Scheiders argues passionately and persuasively that agreeing with 2 Timothy that, “all scripture is inspired by God” does not mean subscribing to a “dictation” model, wherein the authors of the Bible were simply God’s stenographers. Rather, she invites us to understand “inspiration” as meaning that the Bible was written under “the influence of the Spirit of God.” Perhaps we could picture the individual or the community who wrote Ephesians working under a Divine gravitational pull.

What is liberating about Schneiders’ argument is that it leaves room for human participation — and for human error — in scripture. It insists that the creators of the Bible were, indeed, active artists rather than passive recipients of a Divine memorandum. As importantly, it insists that you and I are called to be active interpreters of scripture rather than passive consumers of God’s instruction manual.

“One can read [scripture],” Schneiders says, “primarily for information or in view of transformation, that is to be intellectually enlightened or to be personally converted.”

Her words are particularly helpful when we come to text such as Ephesians 5. That text is a disaster as information. But, as a vehicle for transformation, its reflections on mystery and on love hold huge potential.

All of this is to say, CAP, that Ephesians 5 is one of the many texts in the Bible which I believe that we are called to take seriously but not literally. As to what my wife thinks about it, I’m disinclined to speak on her behalf. After all, she isn’t subject to me. You may just have to ask her yourself.

Do you have a question about ethical decision making, living a faithful life or theology? Leave a comment below or send your question for Martin Elfert to melfert@stjohns-cathedral.org.

Topics: Culture, Family & Relationships
Beliefs: Christian - Protestant/Other
Tags: apostle paul and marriage, bible and marriage, bible and sexist, bible and wife, ephesians 5, father knows best, marriage and bible and sexist, marriage and church, spiritual advice, wife and apostle paul, wife and bible, wife and church, wife and ephesians, wife and ephesians 5, wife and marriage

Comments

  1. That read like a side-step not an actual response to the passage. I guess saying that we can pick and choose which book, author, passage we want to is helpful for some, but I think it is unhelpful in Christian spiritual formation and biblical discipleship. Instead of saying what it doesn’t say, share with me what you think it means.

  2. You don’t think you and all other Christians are doing that all the time? “‘Anyone who curses their father or mother is to be put to death. Because they have cursed their father or mother, their blood will be on their own head. If a man commits adultery with another man’s wife—with the wife of his neighbor—both the adulterer and the adulteress are to be put to death.” Leviticus 20:9-10. I think picking and choosing is a helpful skill because God gave us our rational minds and I’m pretty sure God expects us to use them. But I don’t believe that the Bible is, word-for-word, the unaltered and direct revelation of God to mankind. YMMV.

  3. Jesus says all authority is given to him. What does he do with this authority, he empties himself (Kenosis) and becomes a servant to all. Does Paul mean a man should empty himself and become a servant to his wife. It seems our form of power…control and oppression ... is quite different than Jesus and God’s. How many men who demand to be the ruler of the family, empty themselves as Jesus does? My guess is not many.

    It is strange when you think about how many of men who claim family headship look more like Caesar and less like Jesus.

  4. I dont know many men who act like Caesar, I am pretty amazed at the way the men in my life work, love, support, champion, learn from, follow and celebrate life with the women in their lives. I’m sure all the baddies are out there but in general, I think most men do pretty good at trying to be husbands, fathers, sons, friends and follower of Jesus. Im inspired by many men in my circles.

    All I am asking for is an attempt at an interpretation of the passage.

  5. I like the Divine gravitation pull analogy!  Great way to look at inspiration.

  6. Eric,

    In the 1st century, both Caesar and Jesus were known as “Son of God.” The Gospels are very aware of this fact and the stark line is driven between Caesar and Jesus. Caesar was power as men understand power: Control, domineering, and putting people on the Cross. Simply, his is the way of power of Death. Caesar demands the front.

    Jesus is power of Love, Empowering and taking the cross for others. Simply, his is the way of life. Jesus turns down attempts to make him a earthly King. 

    Paul say that men should be like Jesus in a marriage. He certainly meant:
    Who, being in very nature[a] God,
      did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage;
    7 rather, he made himself nothing
      by taking the very nature of a servant,
      being made in human likeness.
    8 And being found in appearance as a man,
      he humbled himself
      by becoming obedient to death—
          even death on a cross!

    We must look at what is meant by power and authority. It is not man’s version (which is the original sin if you think about it) and take up the cross. So to answer your question, men should take up there cross in their marriage, empty themselves and love and empower their mate. I am glad that the men that you know embrace this, judging by some other fruit of those that claim lordship (like caesar) that is not universal. Original Sin is still with us and we all have to come to grips with it.

  7. I too find Ephesians five to be fairly unhelpful in a modern context.  But in its time, whether written by Paul or not, it was quite remarkable.  The context is given in Verse 21, “Be subject to one another out of reverence for Christ.”  Wives are to be subject, and Husbands are to love their lives as “Christ loved the Church and gave himself up for her.”  A husband who does not live that way for his wife has been unfaithful to both the spirit and the letter of that passage, and the wife is freed from any further subjection.  In an era in which women were property, that is pretty remarkable stuff.  In an era like ours, as far as we still need to go toward true and full equality, the passage is more or less irrelevant past that verse 21.  Be subject to one another, and work our for yourselves what that means.

  8. Who are you? We believe alike. Do you know of my 600 pp. book, The Restitution of Jesus Christ? Very tghoourh on this subject that only the Father is God and Jesus is Lord and Savior but not God. I was a Trinitarian for 22 years.

  9. First, I’d like to see any good evidence that the apostle Paul did not write the letter to the Ephesians.  I think the attempt to discredit his writing comes less from scholarship than from the intense desire not to come under the authority of what is written there.

    As for the thought of submission by the wife to her husband, why would that necessarily be looked at as a bad thing, unless the idea is twisted, again by those who despise the biblical model in favor of a man-centered theology.

    The concepts of man’s headship and the wife’s submission work in harmony and just like the rest of scripture, rather than picking out a piece out of context of the full understanding of the whole sweep of scripture, such as holding up a piece of the law of the Jewish theocracy, which we are not a part of as the church, we look at the husband and wife as Christ-like love for the wife, and submission by the wife to the husband as Christ submitted Himself to the Father while on His earthly mission to pay for our salvation.  Was Christ ever less than the Father? No! Was His role different at that particular time? Yes.  We are called by God as husband and wife to the roles He has chosen, not ones we demand for ourselves.  Sin has ruined man’s relationships, but in Christ, and this is what we are talking about here, not un-believers trying to manage this, but in Christ, these relationships can be restored and carried out to our great joy, as we obey Him.  Remember the old Sunday school song, it still applies, “Trust and obey, for there’s no other way to be happy in Jesus”.  Believers can live in joy and we won’t be doing it by taking a poll of the world to see how they think we should do it.  God forbid, just look around you.  He can give us joy as we all submit to Christ.

  10. As for authorship, twice in the letter, Paul addresses his readers as the author of the letter.  If it was forged by others, but purported to teach all the amazing, high and magnificent things included in it, that would be the height of hypocrisy and just plain evil.  The fact is, Paul did write it, and it is authoritative to all who claim to know the Lord Jesus Christ.  The question is going to be, did He know us.  There will be much anguish some day by many who thought they did, but actually did not.  If a person tears the Bible apart and claims to put themselves above it by intellectual pride and superiority, what possible joy and hope can they possibly derive from something they hold in contempt? None!  You can’t claim the benefits of some statements and scoff at the others and expect to have any real conviction about any of it, or offer anyone else any hope by tearing down some and tepidly supporting other.

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