Bactrian camel

Bactrian camel

With all the recent talk of biblical marriage, I decided I was living life all wrong. It was time for me to get married. But I wanted to be sure to find my wife the biblical way. First I thought I would be like David and Solomon. After all, I desired to be a man after God’s own heart like David (2 Samuel 5:13), and I liked the idea of having a thousand wives and concubines like Solomon (1 Kings 11:3).  I didn’t know where to put them all, so I made plans to build an addition to my house or buy a second house or even an entire city block.  After reviewing the expenses, I decided it was wise just to get a couple wives like Jacob (Genesis 30:25-26). 

Then I had to figure out how to acquire my wives, so once again I consulted the Bible. I wanted to be sure and do this the biblical way. Abraham had sent his chief servant to a well with a camel to get a wife for his son Isaac (Genesis 24:11). Once I had sold my Honda CR-V and bought a Bactrian camel, I waited outside the Post Falls Starbucks just off of Highway 41. I had two gold nose rings in my pocket ready as offers for marriage. At first, when the traffic stopped for miles around, it seemed to be the success I expected.  My camel was a big hit, especially with the Post Falls police, but not so much with the single women at Starbucks. 

While I was searching the Bible to understand what went wrong, I came across Leviticus 19:19, “Do not wear clothing woven of two kinds of material.” The verse was in the same general discourse as Leviticus 18:22, “Do not have sexual relations with a man as one does with a woman,” so I determined it must certainly be of equal importance. I quickly purged my wardrobe of all those sinful mixed threads, you know, one cotton and one rayon and the like. I was going to be pure from now on. I wanted to be a biblical husband for my new wives. Then I went back to that same Starbucks with my camel. 

After my arrest for public exhibitionism, I had plenty of time to think. I realized I had gotten it all backwards. I had brought the practices of an early civilization into modern society. The correct way to read the Bible was to push contemporary ideas onto ancient Israel.  I should read my own values into the Bible rather than understanding the Bible with help from the church fathers, biblical criticism, and academic scholars

Once I got this straight, I read my Bible again and understood I shouldn’t take a wife at all. Paul said in 1 Corinthians 7:7 that people would do better to be like him. The right view of biblical marriage is to remain single. It is all the married who are the sinners.

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6 Comments

  1. Ha! Great stuff!

    I guess I’m a non-sinner, being single. You know, except all the things a woman should (or should not) do, according to both the Old and New Testaments…

  2. Ernesto Tinajero

    I am confused then. Are you saying the Internet and genetics are or are not Biblical?

    Also, the problem was you were looking for single women with you camel. Read the story, you need to have you dad send out your wingman and have him bring back the babe. Biblical way is better as it is wingman gets thrown in the big house and you just wait.

  3. I haven’t read any discussions of the internet in any of the law, the prophets, or the New Testament. If you have a particular passage, please point me in the right direction?

    Genetics? Do you mean genetic engineering? Is it biblical to genetically engineer a wife? I can’t find that in the Bible either.

    Thank you for pointing out the problem of the wingman. So being biblical is something like magical incantations? If the events aren’t performed in the proper order and the appropriate words aren’t spoken correctly it doesn’t work? Maybe that’s my problem! So I’m looking for a wingman. Can you ride a camel?

  4. Hey, Bruce. You know I’ve always got your back but I’ve got no experience with the Bactrian model. Had you gone Dromedary I’d be out there tomorrow at the well. Maybe next time…

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